Fear comes from Lies

It's so easy for lies to seep in and steal peace and joy from me.

"When you hide your face, they are terrified; when you take away their breath, they die and return to the dust. When you send your Spirit, they are created, and you renew the face of the ground."
Psalms 104:29-30

I've realized over the last couple years that I have a fear of death. A lot of that has been taken away but there is still some there. But when I really sit down and meditate on God's goodness to me and how much He loves me and takes care of me. And then look at those verses and realize if He is the giver and the taker of our breath, then what in the world do I have to fear? But as I am not reminded of this truth day by day it is easy to forget and Satan is right there at the door of my mind and heart whispering lies to me. And because I'm not taking in this truth daily it is easy to begin to believe these lies: "You have to fend for yourself." "You're all alone." "God is too busy to care about you." "He's forgotten about you." "You're not good enough for Him...." etc. etc. etc. Now maybe I'm not actually hearing these things (although sometimes I am) but the fear I've taken in is making me believe and live these lies out in my actions. I need to be hearing truth every day to stop these lies in their tracks.

Ps Not to mention hasn't God overcome death? :)

My journey with homeschooling

I feel like I'm being freed more and more by God in a lot of areas. Most recently I felt it in the area of mothering and even more specific in the area of education. I realized I was trying to earn my salvation and my worth/value with making sure I was doing whatever our culture expected us to do with educating your kids. It's crazy what a hold this has had on me. So much un-rest and anxiety and fear. And for what?

I'm really beginning to question a lot (most) of how our kids are educated in our culture. What if the bulk of my kids education was gardening, farming, and learning the story of the Bible? Would that be the worse thing in the world? What if that's the best thing for them? It's just there's so many voices telling me that would be the worse thing for them: internal and external. One of the problems is you could fill up your kids brain and time crossing your T's and dotting your I's and making sure they're on track with where the culture says they need to be and miss so many opportunities to be experiencing and learning what God has for you kids.

I was gardening with my family yesterday in our backyard and I was thinking of how 50 years ago there were whole families and generations who were farmers. And that's all they did with their life. Maybe they learned how to read and write, but probably most didn't. And these people were looked down on as being "un-educated." What does that even mean? Maybe we're the un-educated ones. And 100 years ago or maybe 150 years ago farming was a respectable thing to do. And you didn't feel like you had to know math really well to feel like you were doing okay in life. Our culture has a code of what an educated person is but is it really better than what was around 150 years ago? What changed between then and now? And is this a good change and one we should adopt? It's crazy to think that our industralized education is only 100 years old if that. Is it really better or have we lost something?

How I got free from a cleaning addiction

About a month ago God began to free me from a cleaning addiction. I woke up one morning and saw things in the spiritual realm of what was happening to me. I was in slavery. And I had no idea. Someone was driving me and it wasn't God. Cleaning my house was an all-consuming thing for me. My house had to be a certain way or I couldn't rest. This addiction stole countless hours & limitless energy from me. I couldn't be present with my husband or my children. Or with people that came into our home. I was always thinking about the house and what I could/should be doing to clean it and bring it back to the state of cleanliness I thought it needed. Therefore cleanliness and orderliness became the highest priority and when a person got in the way of that things got ugly. The scariest thing about this was I was blinded to this. I knew something was off, but couldn't see it clearly. The thing about an addiction is it always wants all of you. I wasn't able to feed my addiction a little bit and then be able to fully be there with my family. That's not how addictions (idols) work. They want ALL of you. But they never tell you this upfront. That's why I'm so thankful that God in His great mercy gave me eyes to see what was really going on. The worst thing of all is my addiction separated me from God. I wasn't trusting God with my house and the state of it. I had to be in control. Once I gave control back to God in that area I felt like I was really trusting God. My addiction was blocking so many life-giving gifts God wanted to give me. Once I relinquished control in that area of my life I truly felt rest and peace and acceptance from my Father.

The other big thing that happened is once I gave this part of my life up to God it gave my husband, Ben, freedom to lead our family in this area. I realized I had made the cleaning department mine and only mine and didn't let Ben or the kids into this area. Once I gave it up Ben stepped up and took the lead in our family. This was great! And such a relief to me. Now I don't want to pretend that this all happened overnight, cause every day has been a struggle. Some days more than others. For example right now and for the last month we've had a very messy house! But God has given an abundant amount of grace. And I am changing more and more every day. And so is my family. So I decided for the time being that I'm not really cleaning right now. I want to give some space for the Lord to rewire my mind and heart in this area. So that someday I can clean and actually worship and honor the Lord in my cleaning. It can come from a pure heart and not one that is driven by the enemy and sin. I believe this is possible and am so excited for that to come to pass. What a joy it is to have a Father that cares to free us from the enemy and sin! This is His heart for us! I realize in describing that day/week that God set me free I didn't really give it justice. I've told many people that the best description I could give is that for years I was locked in a cellar and for the first time in a long time I was let out to enjoy the blue sky and the sunshine on my face. I could really live! I was no longer a prisoner! I could enjoy other people! And I could enjoy being in relationship with my Father!

The other crazy thing that came out of this was after I shared with the family about my revelation and God freeing me from this, Eden, my 10 year old daughter, came to me and shared that she was struggling with this same thing! I prayed with her and just had a sweet time with her sharing with her and told her we can get set free together. This is a letter I wrote to her not long after that conversation: "To my dear Eden, God, our Father has been so kind to us. He wants freedom for His children. He hates the slavery that He sees us in. He wants all of us. There isn't one part of us, however small that He is willing to give to the devil. You know what I heard Jesus speak over me recently? It was, 'You can't have her Satan, she's mine.' And I speak this over you, Eden, my daughter. God is a jealous God and He wants all of us. He's not satisfied with just a part of us. There was a big part of my heart that I wasn't giving to God until recently. I didn't even know I was withholding it! That's how deceitful our hearts can be! But that's okay because God is greater than our hearts! And He showed me what I couldn't see for myself. And He prepared my heart to get to the day when I said, 'enough is enough!' I am taking this territory of my heart back from Satan and giving it to my Father! It's rightfully His! But oh, how I wanted to give it to Him. Because our Father brings life whereas the devil will always bring death. Our slavery to the devil can take many forms, but mine was in cleaning my house. Isn't that funny? I think a lot of people would find that funny. But I don't, because it owned me. I know you get this because you shared with me that you have this to. I'm so sorry Eden that I passed this down to you. But you know what is so cool? We get to be freed from this together, as mother and daughter. And someday you may have a daughter and she will be born into freedom because of the work God did in her grandmother and mother's life. Now that's cool. And that is how our Father works."

If you're reading this and have questions or just want to talk about it I'm really free and open to talk. Addiction is something rarely talked about and talking about this kind of addiction is non-existent in my experience. Which is all the more reason I felt compelled to share my experience. Most people, myself included, thought cleaning is always a good thing. And it can be. But for me it was an addiction. An addiction can be anything we compulsively do that keeps us from freedom. Even good things. Now this can be scary for people to read because basically you can put anything in that category. Our hearts can take anything and make it an addiction. Recently, I told someone I don't see any difference between my cleaning addiction and someone who's addicted to alcohol on the spiritual level. Because the way God sees it an idol in our hearts is an idol in our hearts and he doesn't make distinctions if it's cleaning or alcohol or sex. It's keeping us from being in relationship with our Father and that's a problem. And that will destroy us. But I think this can be really confusing and it is probably why I didn't see this as an addiction for so long. But praise God He is greater than our hearts and can show us these things.

finding intimacy

When I was talking with the Lord this morning I realized a correlation between spending quality/intimate time with God and spending quality/intimate time with Ben (my husband). I avoid both. And I was asking the question: WHY? Simple answer: because it's hard. Too hard sometimes to be vulnerable with someone. Why do I make time for Yahoo news everyday, but fail to make time for God or my husband? Because Yahoo news doesn't demand my heart. It doesn't ask me to be completely vulnerable and honest with it. It's not a relationship. But I'm tired of running. I'm ready to engage. But my heart is not ready. Father, change and heal my heart so that I can fully engage with You and my husband. I'm tired of making more time for surfing the Web than for You. But I need You to change me from the inside out. I need You to make my heart more like Yours and less like Adam & Eve's when they decided not to trust you and became ashamed and hid from You. I'm tired of hiding. It's time to come out from behind the bushes and meet our Maker, our Lover, our Friend.

Expecting # 6 in August!

Yeah, we're pretty excited.

I'm astounded by You

I am in awe and astounded by God's love for us. I was reading to my kids today about how God came down to us. I can't believe He became a man, a baby just to reach us and to save us. He didn't have to do this. He could've just scratched us out, but you see this is not who God is. He is a God who saves, who woos, who rescues, who redeems, who loves relentlessly. This is who God is. God, words cannot describe how wonderful You are.

My Prayer

This was a prayer that I had when I was talking to God today:

Father I ask that You would become more important than:

*A clean house

*What people think of me

*Facebook

*Food & sweets

*Being a successful Mom, wife, friend, daughter, and sister

That one day You will be enough for me.

You see every lover has its price. Who is your lover and what price are they making you pay?

God's price is that He asks for my whole heart. I was made for this.

The really cool thing is that He is faithful. I already see this beginning.