Living Water

The following is a page taken from my journal written to God:
May 5, 2009
I keep running to all these things except You. Why do I do this? I know they won't satisfy. Or do I? It's been a difficult day and I turn to facebook. Pretty soon that's not enough so I go eat a donut. Sometimes I clean my house. What feelings am I running from? anxiousness, feeling overwhelmed, guilt
At least I'm coming to You now, but I want to stop going to those other things first. Father, please help me to stop running from You and turning to these other things. Help me stop believing the lies that these things will satisfy. They won't! Only You will satisfy. Help me to start believing this.

A woman, a Samaritan, came to draw water. Jesus said, "Would you give me a drink of water?"

The Samaritan woman, taken aback, asked, "How come you, a Jew, are asking me, a Samaritan woman, for a drink?"

Jesus answered, "If you knew the generosity of God and who I am, you would be asking me for a drink, and I would give you fresh, living water."

The woman said, "Sir, you don't even have a bucket to draw with, and this well is deep. So how are you going to get this 'living water'? Are you a better man than our ancestor Jacob, who dug this well and drank from it, he and his sons and livestock, and passed it down to us?"

Jesus said, "Everyone who drinks this water will get thirsty again and again. Anyone who drinks the water I give will never thirst-not ever. The water I give will be an artesian spring within, gushing fountains of endless life."

The woman said, "Sir, give me this water so I won't ever get thirsty, won't ever have to come back to this well again!"

John 4:7-15

I have this well of endless living water. Why am I not drawing from it?

Car conversation

I was in the car today with Dove and Eden and this was the conversation:

Dove: I want a dove.
Eden: Well, I want a garden.

I wonder what Seven would've said if he was there.

Seven's Prayer

This was Seven's prayer tonight:

Dear God,
Please help me protect my sisters,
help me protect my legos.
My legos belong to God.
Amen.

That's my boy...

So Ben takes the kids on dates. Every time he takes Seven out he calls it "guys night out." Seven is very proud that he is the only one that gets this title. So today in the car he says to me, "Mama, can we have a guys night out?" Yeah, sometime we will. "Wait, I mean just a guys night out and a girls night out. I mean a guys night out. I mean a girl and a guy's night out." He was trying to figure out how to fit his Mama into "guys night out." I love that kid.

Changes

This should be a theme from the last 2 years really. But the biggest change that's happening recently is Rainbow and Jeff moving out. They've lived with us for about 9 months. And they feel like God is directing them to get their own place. This change brings many conflicted feelings. I feel relieved yet overwhelmed. I feel excited yet sad. It has been such a blessing to have them live with us. The four of us are not the same people we were when they moved in. We have all grown a ton. I think it's awesome that we are closer friends now than before they moved in. That right there is a testimony of God's grace.
Rainbow did almost all of the homeschooling so now I'm going to shoulder that responsibility. This is where most of my overwhelmed feelings take place. I have a low confidence in my ability to teach my kids. But I know that this is a great opportunity to have to completely rely on the Holy Spirit. Cause I know I won't be able to do it on my own. Rainbow has such a gift for teaching kids so I know I have some big shoes to fill. But Ben reminded me that I'm their mother first. And that's the most important thing to them. It's still awesome to have Rainbow as a resource whenever I need her. Her and I are meeting daily to help set me up with the right curriculum for me and the girls. Plus she did all my cooking and laundry. (I know I was spoiled, but to my credit I did all the cleaning) Now that's going to take some adjusting!
I don't really feel like I was a very good friend to Rainbow while she was living with us. I'm hoping living apart will help me to be more intentional about our friendship. I think I had a hard time being honest with her. I definitely see this as more my issue than hers. I have a hard time being honest with people that I know have strong opinions and have a tendency to control. So not having the open communication created a lot of strain on our relationship. But I feel like things are definitely getting better. And as both her and I mature and become healthier people I see that happening all the more. At least they're not moving very far (within walking distance) and they will still be apart of our body church so I'll see them every week. But it'll be weird not living life together side by side. Do I even remember what my life looked like before they moved in? What does that verse say: as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another? I definitely felt like that was happening, even in our immaturity. Her and I are so different. I felt like I was able to learn a lot from her. Thank you Rainbow. You will be missed. (Sounds like you died or something;)

This is supposed to be raw...let's see how it goes

I've been dealing with a lot lately. Where do I start? I've been realizing that I'm a pretty angry person. I do a good job either ignoring my anger or being oblivious to it. Ben and I got in a disagreement this morning and I got upset as usual because I wanted to "resolve" the issue right away and felt like he was distancing himself from me. I was losing control and that made me angry. This sort of thing has happened time and time again but this is the first time I recognized my emotion as anger. 

So you may ask why am I seeing this now? Both Ben and I (more Ben than me) have been aggressively seeking help for our issues-addictions-idols. I'm realizing they're all the same thing. God made us to worship Him. And when that worship is misplaced through sin we naturally start worshipping something else. What do I worship? I think I worship the approval of men/women. I've always been a people-pleaser. But what I'm realizing now is that it's more than that. I've always wanted to please people because I want them to like me and see me in a good light. I believe this is linked to pride. I want people to see me as this awesome person. That's the long of the short of it. I want to point to myself instead of to Christ. So in a sense I'm worshipping myself. Wow, that's a lot of misplaced worship. 

If you've read Ben's blog you would've picked up on that he's in SA (Sexaholics Anonymous). 

He encouraged me to go to S-anon, which is the support group for spouses or loved ones of someone who is a sexaholic. Man, talk about crazy. I didn't want to go to these meetings. I thought it would be a lot easier to just go to a counselor (which I probably will still do at some point). But attending this meeting once a week has really been revolutionary for me. I just listen to story after story of people just like me. You mean I'm not unique in my problems? Nope. Not even close. Of course there are some differences, but at the root of it these people are worshiping the approval of others and themselves. Just like me.

So where does this leave me now? My previous post was about how I've been desiring God more and more. Well all this crap in my life only makes me want to seek an intimate relationship with God all the more. I don't want it apart of me anymore. I know it'll take time, but I believe God is doing something in me and healing me and making me whole. All for the purpose of getting back to true worship. Worshiping the one who created me. Who died for me so that I can be made whole. This is my hope. This is what I live for. To be continued...

"There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears." Philippians 1:6 The Message

"But there's far more to life for us. We're are citizens of high heaven! We're waiting the arrival of the Savior, the Master, Jesus Christ, who will transform our earthly bodies into glorious bodies like his own. He'll make us beautiful and whole with the same powerful skill by which he is putting everything as it should be, under and around him." Philippians 3:20-21 The Message

 

As the deer pants for streams of water...

"As the deer pants for streams of water, 

so my soul pants for you, O God. 

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. 

When can I go and meet with God?"

Psalm 42:1-2

I see glimmers of this in my life, but I want this kind of passion to consume my life.

I feel like I'm beginning to connect with God on a regular basis for the first time. And this kind of actually connecting with God is what is fueling my passion to want this, but I know I am still lacking so much. There is still so many other things that take precedence over God in my life. I want God to purge my life of these things. There is still a belief in me that these things (idols, really) are better somehow than God. I know in my head that's not true, but my heart still hasn't made the complete switch. I'm just thankful that my Father is so patient with me. Father, please use your Holy Spirit to consume me with passion for You.