Holy Spirit

I am realizing that I don't believe the Holy Spirit can really help me. I think I can do a better job. That must be why I hardly ever call on the Spirit. That is why I have a hard time keeping in step with the Spirit. I think I can do a better job. This is my knee-jerk reaction. I usually don't even realize I am depending on myself. It comes so natural. I want depending on the Spirit to become natural to me. I want that to be my knee-jerk reaction. Only depending on the Spirit and not myself. I want to forget about myself and what I can do. How different my life would look then.

Help me, Father to start believing in the power of Your Spirit. And to stop believing that the power lies within me. That is a dead end street.

I wish this could change overnight, but I believe You are faithful to change me. You can change me. You are changing me.

Parenting

I can't believe my first born is 8 years old. Time is such a funny thing. I don't think we can ever get used to it. I can definitely tell we weren't made for it.

Since reading Jeremy's blog (you can click on it on the right of my blog) post I have realized how much I don't think about intentionally training my children. It is sobering to realize I am training them one way or another whether I'm intending to or not. It's time to get more intentional. In fact, it's long overdue. It seems I go in either two modes of extreme: passively not caring or worrying if I'm doing the right thing. I realize I need to depend on the Spirit in everything and parenting is no exception. To realize I could be a party in my child's destruction is enough for me to get the gravity of the situation. Sometimes I feel so ill-equipped to train, but this doesn't mean I give up. God's Spirit will help me. Also, Ben seems to have gifts where I do not, so we need to lean and support each other more in parenting our kids. In the past when he had an insight into one of the kids and would correct some of my parenting I would get defensive and prideful, but I'm realizing that I need to seize that opportunity to learn to be a better parent. I need to see Ben as trying to support me, not trying to attack me.

I've been reflecting on these verses and put them up on my wall: Prov. 19:18 and Eph. 6:1-4; along with: "Kami, train your children, don't just control chaos." I need to be empowered by the Holy Spirit. I have all the tools I need. I'm not going to believe the lies that I'm not good enough and I'm not going to be able to train my children. God has given me all I need.

Living Water

The following is a page taken from my journal written to God:
May 5, 2009
I keep running to all these things except You. Why do I do this? I know they won't satisfy. Or do I? It's been a difficult day and I turn to facebook. Pretty soon that's not enough so I go eat a donut. Sometimes I clean my house. What feelings am I running from? anxiousness, feeling overwhelmed, guilt
At least I'm coming to You now, but I want to stop going to those other things first. Father, please help me to stop running from You and turning to these other things. Help me stop believing the lies that these things will satisfy. They won't! Only You will satisfy. Help me to start believing this.

A woman, a Samaritan, came to draw water. Jesus said, "Would you give me a drink of water?"

The Samaritan woman, taken aback, asked, "How come you, a Jew, are asking me, a Samaritan woman, for a drink?"

Jesus answered, "If you knew the generosity of God and who I am, you would be asking me for a drink, and I would give you fresh, living water."

The woman said, "Sir, you don't even have a bucket to draw with, and this well is deep. So how are you going to get this 'living water'? Are you a better man than our ancestor Jacob, who dug this well and drank from it, he and his sons and livestock, and passed it down to us?"

Jesus said, "Everyone who drinks this water will get thirsty again and again. Anyone who drinks the water I give will never thirst-not ever. The water I give will be an artesian spring within, gushing fountains of endless life."

The woman said, "Sir, give me this water so I won't ever get thirsty, won't ever have to come back to this well again!"

John 4:7-15

I have this well of endless living water. Why am I not drawing from it?

Car conversation

I was in the car today with Dove and Eden and this was the conversation:

Dove: I want a dove.
Eden: Well, I want a garden.

I wonder what Seven would've said if he was there.

Seven's Prayer

This was Seven's prayer tonight:

Dear God,
Please help me protect my sisters,
help me protect my legos.
My legos belong to God.
Amen.

That's my boy...

So Ben takes the kids on dates. Every time he takes Seven out he calls it "guys night out." Seven is very proud that he is the only one that gets this title. So today in the car he says to me, "Mama, can we have a guys night out?" Yeah, sometime we will. "Wait, I mean just a guys night out and a girls night out. I mean a guys night out. I mean a girl and a guy's night out." He was trying to figure out how to fit his Mama into "guys night out." I love that kid.

Changes

This should be a theme from the last 2 years really. But the biggest change that's happening recently is Rainbow and Jeff moving out. They've lived with us for about 9 months. And they feel like God is directing them to get their own place. This change brings many conflicted feelings. I feel relieved yet overwhelmed. I feel excited yet sad. It has been such a blessing to have them live with us. The four of us are not the same people we were when they moved in. We have all grown a ton. I think it's awesome that we are closer friends now than before they moved in. That right there is a testimony of God's grace.
Rainbow did almost all of the homeschooling so now I'm going to shoulder that responsibility. This is where most of my overwhelmed feelings take place. I have a low confidence in my ability to teach my kids. But I know that this is a great opportunity to have to completely rely on the Holy Spirit. Cause I know I won't be able to do it on my own. Rainbow has such a gift for teaching kids so I know I have some big shoes to fill. But Ben reminded me that I'm their mother first. And that's the most important thing to them. It's still awesome to have Rainbow as a resource whenever I need her. Her and I are meeting daily to help set me up with the right curriculum for me and the girls. Plus she did all my cooking and laundry. (I know I was spoiled, but to my credit I did all the cleaning) Now that's going to take some adjusting!
I don't really feel like I was a very good friend to Rainbow while she was living with us. I'm hoping living apart will help me to be more intentional about our friendship. I think I had a hard time being honest with her. I definitely see this as more my issue than hers. I have a hard time being honest with people that I know have strong opinions and have a tendency to control. So not having the open communication created a lot of strain on our relationship. But I feel like things are definitely getting better. And as both her and I mature and become healthier people I see that happening all the more. At least they're not moving very far (within walking distance) and they will still be apart of our body church so I'll see them every week. But it'll be weird not living life together side by side. Do I even remember what my life looked like before they moved in? What does that verse say: as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another? I definitely felt like that was happening, even in our immaturity. Her and I are so different. I felt like I was able to learn a lot from her. Thank you Rainbow. You will be missed. (Sounds like you died or something;)