God's will is better than my will

The other day I had a revelation. I want my will to be in-tune with what God's will is. I found myself dissatisfied with some things in my life. And then I stopped to think: well if this is what God wants than why am I dissatisfied? First of all He loves me and wants the best for me. Second of all He is faithful to give me His best. So why am I not trusting Him?

We are trying to conceive a 5th child. For a long time now I've pictured our family with 5 kids. About a year ago I found out I was pregnant. And during that first week God spoke to me. He said "in My time." I knew He was talking about us having another child. This comforted me at the time. Whenever I hear God's voice I'm comforted. But I didn't think too much about it at the time. A couple days later I miscarried. We've been trying since December and it's been really hard each month that goes by and I'm not pregnant. And I knew that this was testing my faith. But the other day I realized that I need to stop having my own agenda on things. I realized I finally wanted what God wanted. And if that means another child then awesome. If it doesn't then awesome. Because He is good and He is trustworthy. He loves me and wants what's best for me. I am starting to believe this. I don't need to be depressed or dissatisfied any longer.

I am a daughter in His kingdom. I want to start acting like it. I want to desire what He desires for His kingdom.

"In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you." Matthew 5:48 The Message

"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are-no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought." Matthew 5:5 The Message

Holy Spirit

I am realizing that I don't believe the Holy Spirit can really help me. I think I can do a better job. That must be why I hardly ever call on the Spirit. That is why I have a hard time keeping in step with the Spirit. I think I can do a better job. This is my knee-jerk reaction. I usually don't even realize I am depending on myself. It comes so natural. I want depending on the Spirit to become natural to me. I want that to be my knee-jerk reaction. Only depending on the Spirit and not myself. I want to forget about myself and what I can do. How different my life would look then.

Help me, Father to start believing in the power of Your Spirit. And to stop believing that the power lies within me. That is a dead end street.

I wish this could change overnight, but I believe You are faithful to change me. You can change me. You are changing me.