Tuesday, December 9, 2008

This is supposed to be raw...let's see how it goes

I've been dealing with a lot lately. Where do I start? I've been realizing that I'm a pretty angry person. I do a good job either ignoring my anger or being oblivious to it. Ben and I got in a disagreement this morning and I got upset as usual because I wanted to "resolve" the issue right away and felt like he was distancing himself from me. I was losing control and that made me angry. This sort of thing has happened time and time again but this is the first time I recognized my emotion as anger. 

So you may ask why am I seeing this now? Both Ben and I (more Ben than me) have been aggressively seeking help for our issues-addictions-idols. I'm realizing they're all the same thing. God made us to worship Him. And when that worship is misplaced through sin we naturally start worshipping something else. What do I worship? I think I worship the approval of men/women. I've always been a people-pleaser. But what I'm realizing now is that it's more than that. I've always wanted to please people because I want them to like me and see me in a good light. I believe this is linked to pride. I want people to see me as this awesome person. That's the long of the short of it. I want to point to myself instead of to Christ. So in a sense I'm worshipping myself. Wow, that's a lot of misplaced worship. 

If you've read Ben's blog you would've picked up on that he's in SA (Sexaholics Anonymous). 
He encouraged me to go to S-anon, which is the support group for spouses or loved ones of someone who is a sexaholic. Man, talk about crazy. I didn't want to go to these meetings. I thought it would be a lot easier to just go to a counselor (which I probably will still do at some point). But attending this meeting once a week has really been revolutionary for me. I just listen to story after story of people just like me. You mean I'm not unique in my problems? Nope. Not even close. Of course there are some differences, but at the root of it these people are worshiping the approval of others and themselves. Just like me.

So where does this leave me now? My previous post was about how I've been desiring God more and more. Well all this crap in my life only makes me want to seek an intimate relationship with God all the more. I don't want it apart of me anymore. I know it'll take time, but I believe God is doing something in me and healing me and making me whole. All for the purpose of getting back to true worship. Worshiping the one who created me. Who died for me so that I can be made whole. This is my hope. This is what I live for. To be continued...

"There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears." Philippians 1:6 The Message

"But there's far more to life for us. We're are citizens of high heaven! We're waiting the arrival of the Savior, the Master, Jesus Christ, who will transform our earthly bodies into glorious bodies like his own. He'll make us beautiful and whole with the same powerful skill by which he is putting everything as it should be, under and around him." Philippians 3:20-21 The Message