My Prayer

I want to have this be my prayer every day. I got this from the Crazy Love book that I'm reading. Which is awesome and you should read it. It really puts life into perspective.

"O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied
me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious
of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of
desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long
to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still.
Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee
indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to
my soul, 'Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away.'
Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this
misty lowland where I have wandered so long."
A.W. Tozer The Pursuit of God

On Permanent Marker, Repentance, and Intimacy

This happened last night and I wanted to share the email that Ben wrote to a few family and friends. It's a pretty powerful and moving story of God's grace in our lives.


This week I have been lost in thinking about repentance and fostering an intimate lasting relationship with our kids.

Tonight was one of the craziest nights in our families history. We had already put the kids to bed and Dove came into the room crying to talk to Kami and I. She told us that she had drawn on the wall with a permanent marker and had blamed Seven so he had gotten in big trouble. She was referring to an incident that had happened about 4 years ago. More than half of her lifetime. She was crying and she said that, that was "before she knew how serious of a job it was for her to be a leader" in looking out for her younger brothers and sister. It was at this point, that I started to cry. She said that today God had told her that she needed to tell us about the truth "before she got any older." We got Seven out of bed and Dove had the chance to apologize to her brother. Together we prayed and thanked God for the grace he has given us. Seven does not remember getting spanked. But tonight Dove will sleep better in her repentance and acceptance of God's Grace.

******
Ben Crawford

Ps. You can see the marker in the pic that has long since been painted over.

IMG_4618.JPG 477K View Download

What God's been teaching/showing me

11/20/09 Taken from my journal:
I know now one of the reasons we have not been given a fifth child. My will needed to be broken. I wanted that child so much that I really didn't care what God wanted for me. God had to break my will and make my will His will. I needed to be shown this. I now want and desire what God wants. Whatever that may be. I was finding my identity in having children. And having them whenever I wanted to. Ben wondered if he was the one who needed to be broken. It has taken almost a year for me to get to the place where Your will is better than my will. But more that that, my will has become Your will. I was holding onto my will so tightly. Thank you for Your mercy in revealing this to me.

Super-Star Christians?

I was reading in Acts 14:1-7 today about a plot to beat up Paul & Barnabas. Paul and Barnabas? They were like super Christians and yet they were completely willing and even grateful to get physically beaten up for God. And then it dawned on me. Jesus did this. But He got it even worse. Hung on a tree for God.
I realized how I am so prideful. Ideally I could die for God, but do I actually welcome this? To become less so God can become greater? In my heart of hearts I want to become greater. I am a god to me. I am more important than God and His kingdom. Lets take this in lesser terms than getting beaten up and dying. How about ridiculed or seen as not so great. Not so popular. Not so smart. Not so talented. Not so pretty. These are the things that actually matter to me. I know Paul & Barnabas were just fallen humans like me and everyone else, but they were completely sold out! They didn't have things (idols) holding them back. Will I ever get there? And what exactly will sold out look like for me? Maybe not death, but maybe. Maybe uprooting my family and moving to Portland to help disciple another family for three months. I see growth in my life. I have a long way to go, but I do see growth. Where do you see growth in your life?

sisters

This is a conversation I overheard between Dove & Eden the other day in the car:

Eden: "When we grow up and if we live together..."
Dove: (cuts in abruptly) "Oh, we will definitely live together! But I don't want to be one of those girls who is alone all the time like Uncle Nate who lives in that big house all by himself. I want to have a big family."

This was one of my proudest moments as a mother.

Keep the dream alive girls.

The life of Seven

Today Seven asked me,"When I get older and become a girl then I can do school?"
I said, "Well when you get older and are still a boy you can do school."
He has said this with other things before. I think he thinks if only I can become a girl like my big sisters then the world will finally open wide for me. And all my dreams will come true. I will be able to do all the things they can do.
Sorry kid, not gonna happen. The girl part at least.

God's will is better than my will

The other day I had a revelation. I want my will to be in-tune with what God's will is. I found myself dissatisfied with some things in my life. And then I stopped to think: well if this is what God wants than why am I dissatisfied? First of all He loves me and wants the best for me. Second of all He is faithful to give me His best. So why am I not trusting Him?

We are trying to conceive a 5th child. For a long time now I've pictured our family with 5 kids. About a year ago I found out I was pregnant. And during that first week God spoke to me. He said "in My time." I knew He was talking about us having another child. This comforted me at the time. Whenever I hear God's voice I'm comforted. But I didn't think too much about it at the time. A couple days later I miscarried. We've been trying since December and it's been really hard each month that goes by and I'm not pregnant. And I knew that this was testing my faith. But the other day I realized that I need to stop having my own agenda on things. I realized I finally wanted what God wanted. And if that means another child then awesome. If it doesn't then awesome. Because He is good and He is trustworthy. He loves me and wants what's best for me. I am starting to believe this. I don't need to be depressed or dissatisfied any longer.

I am a daughter in His kingdom. I want to start acting like it. I want to desire what He desires for His kingdom.

"In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you." Matthew 5:48 The Message

"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are-no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought." Matthew 5:5 The Message

God is alive and active among us!

Do I really believe this? I think sometimes I don't. And my life sometimes reflects this. Often, in fact. What if I really believed that God is among us? Every second of every day, He is there. He is present. And He is powerful. He is using His power in my life. Do I believe this? Sort of. Not really, but I want to. My life would look different if I believed this strongly. I know that much. What if I believed He had so much power and care that He can heal and is healing today? What if I believed that not only can He heal my heart, He could heal my body. He can make a lame man walk. And He is doing these things today. What if I believed this? He can make my broken heart whole. What if I believed He is doing this right now? I can actually testify to this.

This passage of Scripture is what stirred this up in me:

"Peter went off on a mission to visit all the churches. In the course of his travels he arrived in Lydda and met with the believers there. He came across a man-his name was Aeneas-wh0 had been in bed eight years paralyzed. Peter said, 'Aeneas, Jesus Christ heals you. Get up and make your bed!' And he did it-jumped right out of bed. Everybody who lived in Lydda and Sharon saw him walking around and WOKE UP TO THE FACT THAT GOD WAS ALIVE AND ACTIVE AMONG THEM." Acts 9: 32-35

We need to wake up! You who are called sons and daughters of the King wake up and see what He is doing in and around us!

Holy Spirit

I am realizing that I don't believe the Holy Spirit can really help me. I think I can do a better job. That must be why I hardly ever call on the Spirit. That is why I have a hard time keeping in step with the Spirit. I think I can do a better job. This is my knee-jerk reaction. I usually don't even realize I am depending on myself. It comes so natural. I want depending on the Spirit to become natural to me. I want that to be my knee-jerk reaction. Only depending on the Spirit and not myself. I want to forget about myself and what I can do. How different my life would look then.

Help me, Father to start believing in the power of Your Spirit. And to stop believing that the power lies within me. That is a dead end street.

I wish this could change overnight, but I believe You are faithful to change me. You can change me. You are changing me.

Parenting

I can't believe my first born is 8 years old. Time is such a funny thing. I don't think we can ever get used to it. I can definitely tell we weren't made for it.

Since reading Jeremy's blog (you can click on it on the right of my blog) post I have realized how much I don't think about intentionally training my children. It is sobering to realize I am training them one way or another whether I'm intending to or not. It's time to get more intentional. In fact, it's long overdue. It seems I go in either two modes of extreme: passively not caring or worrying if I'm doing the right thing. I realize I need to depend on the Spirit in everything and parenting is no exception. To realize I could be a party in my child's destruction is enough for me to get the gravity of the situation. Sometimes I feel so ill-equipped to train, but this doesn't mean I give up. God's Spirit will help me. Also, Ben seems to have gifts where I do not, so we need to lean and support each other more in parenting our kids. In the past when he had an insight into one of the kids and would correct some of my parenting I would get defensive and prideful, but I'm realizing that I need to seize that opportunity to learn to be a better parent. I need to see Ben as trying to support me, not trying to attack me.

I've been reflecting on these verses and put them up on my wall: Prov. 19:18 and Eph. 6:1-4; along with: "Kami, train your children, don't just control chaos." I need to be empowered by the Holy Spirit. I have all the tools I need. I'm not going to believe the lies that I'm not good enough and I'm not going to be able to train my children. God has given me all I need.

Living Water

The following is a page taken from my journal written to God:
May 5, 2009
I keep running to all these things except You. Why do I do this? I know they won't satisfy. Or do I? It's been a difficult day and I turn to facebook. Pretty soon that's not enough so I go eat a donut. Sometimes I clean my house. What feelings am I running from? anxiousness, feeling overwhelmed, guilt
At least I'm coming to You now, but I want to stop going to those other things first. Father, please help me to stop running from You and turning to these other things. Help me stop believing the lies that these things will satisfy. They won't! Only You will satisfy. Help me to start believing this.

A woman, a Samaritan, came to draw water. Jesus said, "Would you give me a drink of water?"

The Samaritan woman, taken aback, asked, "How come you, a Jew, are asking me, a Samaritan woman, for a drink?"

Jesus answered, "If you knew the generosity of God and who I am, you would be asking me for a drink, and I would give you fresh, living water."

The woman said, "Sir, you don't even have a bucket to draw with, and this well is deep. So how are you going to get this 'living water'? Are you a better man than our ancestor Jacob, who dug this well and drank from it, he and his sons and livestock, and passed it down to us?"

Jesus said, "Everyone who drinks this water will get thirsty again and again. Anyone who drinks the water I give will never thirst-not ever. The water I give will be an artesian spring within, gushing fountains of endless life."

The woman said, "Sir, give me this water so I won't ever get thirsty, won't ever have to come back to this well again!"

John 4:7-15

I have this well of endless living water. Why am I not drawing from it?

Car conversation

I was in the car today with Dove and Eden and this was the conversation:

Dove: I want a dove.
Eden: Well, I want a garden.

I wonder what Seven would've said if he was there.

Seven's Prayer

This was Seven's prayer tonight:

Dear God,
Please help me protect my sisters,
help me protect my legos.
My legos belong to God.
Amen.

That's my boy...

So Ben takes the kids on dates. Every time he takes Seven out he calls it "guys night out." Seven is very proud that he is the only one that gets this title. So today in the car he says to me, "Mama, can we have a guys night out?" Yeah, sometime we will. "Wait, I mean just a guys night out and a girls night out. I mean a guys night out. I mean a girl and a guy's night out." He was trying to figure out how to fit his Mama into "guys night out." I love that kid.

Changes

This should be a theme from the last 2 years really. But the biggest change that's happening recently is Rainbow and Jeff moving out. They've lived with us for about 9 months. And they feel like God is directing them to get their own place. This change brings many conflicted feelings. I feel relieved yet overwhelmed. I feel excited yet sad. It has been such a blessing to have them live with us. The four of us are not the same people we were when they moved in. We have all grown a ton. I think it's awesome that we are closer friends now than before they moved in. That right there is a testimony of God's grace.
Rainbow did almost all of the homeschooling so now I'm going to shoulder that responsibility. This is where most of my overwhelmed feelings take place. I have a low confidence in my ability to teach my kids. But I know that this is a great opportunity to have to completely rely on the Holy Spirit. Cause I know I won't be able to do it on my own. Rainbow has such a gift for teaching kids so I know I have some big shoes to fill. But Ben reminded me that I'm their mother first. And that's the most important thing to them. It's still awesome to have Rainbow as a resource whenever I need her. Her and I are meeting daily to help set me up with the right curriculum for me and the girls. Plus she did all my cooking and laundry. (I know I was spoiled, but to my credit I did all the cleaning) Now that's going to take some adjusting!
I don't really feel like I was a very good friend to Rainbow while she was living with us. I'm hoping living apart will help me to be more intentional about our friendship. I think I had a hard time being honest with her. I definitely see this as more my issue than hers. I have a hard time being honest with people that I know have strong opinions and have a tendency to control. So not having the open communication created a lot of strain on our relationship. But I feel like things are definitely getting better. And as both her and I mature and become healthier people I see that happening all the more. At least they're not moving very far (within walking distance) and they will still be apart of our body church so I'll see them every week. But it'll be weird not living life together side by side. Do I even remember what my life looked like before they moved in? What does that verse say: as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another? I definitely felt like that was happening, even in our immaturity. Her and I are so different. I felt like I was able to learn a lot from her. Thank you Rainbow. You will be missed. (Sounds like you died or something;)