God's will is better than my will

The other day I had a revelation. I want my will to be in-tune with what God's will is. I found myself dissatisfied with some things in my life. And then I stopped to think: well if this is what God wants than why am I dissatisfied? First of all He loves me and wants the best for me. Second of all He is faithful to give me His best. So why am I not trusting Him?

We are trying to conceive a 5th child. For a long time now I've pictured our family with 5 kids. About a year ago I found out I was pregnant. And during that first week God spoke to me. He said "in My time." I knew He was talking about us having another child. This comforted me at the time. Whenever I hear God's voice I'm comforted. But I didn't think too much about it at the time. A couple days later I miscarried. We've been trying since December and it's been really hard each month that goes by and I'm not pregnant. And I knew that this was testing my faith. But the other day I realized that I need to stop having my own agenda on things. I realized I finally wanted what God wanted. And if that means another child then awesome. If it doesn't then awesome. Because He is good and He is trustworthy. He loves me and wants what's best for me. I am starting to believe this. I don't need to be depressed or dissatisfied any longer.

I am a daughter in His kingdom. I want to start acting like it. I want to desire what He desires for His kingdom.

"In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you." Matthew 5:48 The Message

"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are-no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought." Matthew 5:5 The Message

God is alive and active among us!

Do I really believe this? I think sometimes I don't. And my life sometimes reflects this. Often, in fact. What if I really believed that God is among us? Every second of every day, He is there. He is present. And He is powerful. He is using His power in my life. Do I believe this? Sort of. Not really, but I want to. My life would look different if I believed this strongly. I know that much. What if I believed He had so much power and care that He can heal and is healing today? What if I believed that not only can He heal my heart, He could heal my body. He can make a lame man walk. And He is doing these things today. What if I believed this? He can make my broken heart whole. What if I believed He is doing this right now? I can actually testify to this.

This passage of Scripture is what stirred this up in me:

"Peter went off on a mission to visit all the churches. In the course of his travels he arrived in Lydda and met with the believers there. He came across a man-his name was Aeneas-wh0 had been in bed eight years paralyzed. Peter said, 'Aeneas, Jesus Christ heals you. Get up and make your bed!' And he did it-jumped right out of bed. Everybody who lived in Lydda and Sharon saw him walking around and WOKE UP TO THE FACT THAT GOD WAS ALIVE AND ACTIVE AMONG THEM." Acts 9: 32-35

We need to wake up! You who are called sons and daughters of the King wake up and see what He is doing in and around us!

Holy Spirit

I am realizing that I don't believe the Holy Spirit can really help me. I think I can do a better job. That must be why I hardly ever call on the Spirit. That is why I have a hard time keeping in step with the Spirit. I think I can do a better job. This is my knee-jerk reaction. I usually don't even realize I am depending on myself. It comes so natural. I want depending on the Spirit to become natural to me. I want that to be my knee-jerk reaction. Only depending on the Spirit and not myself. I want to forget about myself and what I can do. How different my life would look then.

Help me, Father to start believing in the power of Your Spirit. And to stop believing that the power lies within me. That is a dead end street.

I wish this could change overnight, but I believe You are faithful to change me. You can change me. You are changing me.

Parenting

I can't believe my first born is 8 years old. Time is such a funny thing. I don't think we can ever get used to it. I can definitely tell we weren't made for it.

Since reading Jeremy's blog (you can click on it on the right of my blog) post I have realized how much I don't think about intentionally training my children. It is sobering to realize I am training them one way or another whether I'm intending to or not. It's time to get more intentional. In fact, it's long overdue. It seems I go in either two modes of extreme: passively not caring or worrying if I'm doing the right thing. I realize I need to depend on the Spirit in everything and parenting is no exception. To realize I could be a party in my child's destruction is enough for me to get the gravity of the situation. Sometimes I feel so ill-equipped to train, but this doesn't mean I give up. God's Spirit will help me. Also, Ben seems to have gifts where I do not, so we need to lean and support each other more in parenting our kids. In the past when he had an insight into one of the kids and would correct some of my parenting I would get defensive and prideful, but I'm realizing that I need to seize that opportunity to learn to be a better parent. I need to see Ben as trying to support me, not trying to attack me.

I've been reflecting on these verses and put them up on my wall: Prov. 19:18 and Eph. 6:1-4; along with: "Kami, train your children, don't just control chaos." I need to be empowered by the Holy Spirit. I have all the tools I need. I'm not going to believe the lies that I'm not good enough and I'm not going to be able to train my children. God has given me all I need.

Living Water

The following is a page taken from my journal written to God:
May 5, 2009
I keep running to all these things except You. Why do I do this? I know they won't satisfy. Or do I? It's been a difficult day and I turn to facebook. Pretty soon that's not enough so I go eat a donut. Sometimes I clean my house. What feelings am I running from? anxiousness, feeling overwhelmed, guilt
At least I'm coming to You now, but I want to stop going to those other things first. Father, please help me to stop running from You and turning to these other things. Help me stop believing the lies that these things will satisfy. They won't! Only You will satisfy. Help me to start believing this.

A woman, a Samaritan, came to draw water. Jesus said, "Would you give me a drink of water?"

The Samaritan woman, taken aback, asked, "How come you, a Jew, are asking me, a Samaritan woman, for a drink?"

Jesus answered, "If you knew the generosity of God and who I am, you would be asking me for a drink, and I would give you fresh, living water."

The woman said, "Sir, you don't even have a bucket to draw with, and this well is deep. So how are you going to get this 'living water'? Are you a better man than our ancestor Jacob, who dug this well and drank from it, he and his sons and livestock, and passed it down to us?"

Jesus said, "Everyone who drinks this water will get thirsty again and again. Anyone who drinks the water I give will never thirst-not ever. The water I give will be an artesian spring within, gushing fountains of endless life."

The woman said, "Sir, give me this water so I won't ever get thirsty, won't ever have to come back to this well again!"

John 4:7-15

I have this well of endless living water. Why am I not drawing from it?

Car conversation

I was in the car today with Dove and Eden and this was the conversation:

Dove: I want a dove.
Eden: Well, I want a garden.

I wonder what Seven would've said if he was there.

Seven's Prayer

This was Seven's prayer tonight:

Dear God,
Please help me protect my sisters,
help me protect my legos.
My legos belong to God.
Amen.