Tuesday, December 9, 2008

This is supposed to be raw...let's see how it goes

I've been dealing with a lot lately. Where do I start? I've been realizing that I'm a pretty angry person. I do a good job either ignoring my anger or being oblivious to it. Ben and I got in a disagreement this morning and I got upset as usual because I wanted to "resolve" the issue right away and felt like he was distancing himself from me. I was losing control and that made me angry. This sort of thing has happened time and time again but this is the first time I recognized my emotion as anger. 

So you may ask why am I seeing this now? Both Ben and I (more Ben than me) have been aggressively seeking help for our issues-addictions-idols. I'm realizing they're all the same thing. God made us to worship Him. And when that worship is misplaced through sin we naturally start worshipping something else. What do I worship? I think I worship the approval of men/women. I've always been a people-pleaser. But what I'm realizing now is that it's more than that. I've always wanted to please people because I want them to like me and see me in a good light. I believe this is linked to pride. I want people to see me as this awesome person. That's the long of the short of it. I want to point to myself instead of to Christ. So in a sense I'm worshipping myself. Wow, that's a lot of misplaced worship. 

If you've read Ben's blog you would've picked up on that he's in SA (Sexaholics Anonymous). 
He encouraged me to go to S-anon, which is the support group for spouses or loved ones of someone who is a sexaholic. Man, talk about crazy. I didn't want to go to these meetings. I thought it would be a lot easier to just go to a counselor (which I probably will still do at some point). But attending this meeting once a week has really been revolutionary for me. I just listen to story after story of people just like me. You mean I'm not unique in my problems? Nope. Not even close. Of course there are some differences, but at the root of it these people are worshiping the approval of others and themselves. Just like me.

So where does this leave me now? My previous post was about how I've been desiring God more and more. Well all this crap in my life only makes me want to seek an intimate relationship with God all the more. I don't want it apart of me anymore. I know it'll take time, but I believe God is doing something in me and healing me and making me whole. All for the purpose of getting back to true worship. Worshiping the one who created me. Who died for me so that I can be made whole. This is my hope. This is what I live for. To be continued...

"There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears." Philippians 1:6 The Message

"But there's far more to life for us. We're are citizens of high heaven! We're waiting the arrival of the Savior, the Master, Jesus Christ, who will transform our earthly bodies into glorious bodies like his own. He'll make us beautiful and whole with the same powerful skill by which he is putting everything as it should be, under and around him." Philippians 3:20-21 The Message

 

Monday, November 24, 2008

As the deer pants for streams of water...


"As the deer pants for streams of water, 
so my soul pants for you, O God. 
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. 
When can I go and meet with God?"

Psalm 42:1-2

I see glimmers of this in my life, but I want this kind of passion to consume my life.
I feel like I'm beginning to connect with God on a regular basis for the first time. And this kind of actually connecting with God is what is fueling my passion to want this, but I know I am still lacking so much. There is still so many other things that take precedence over God in my life. I want God to purge my life of these things. There is still a belief in me that these things (idols, really) are better somehow than God. I know in my head that's not true, but my heart still hasn't made the complete switch. I'm just thankful that my Father is so patient with me. Father, please use your Holy Spirit to consume me with passion for You.


Friday, October 31, 2008

7 is 4


Dove recently blogged and this is what she wrote "7 is 4." Which is probably confusing to most people so let me translate. Dove's brother Seven just turned four years old. Poor boy is going to have a hell of a time when he turns seven years old. But he'll be old enough then to explain to people the difference between Seven and 7.

Speaking of my son Seven. He's a pretty funny kid and I just realized I need to start remembering the funny things my kids say every day and write them down. So the other day I had the three older kids in the back of the van, which I don't do that often because they are so close in proximity that they're bound to cause trouble with one another. Anyways, when we were getting in the car I told Seven that he'd better keep his hands in his lap. I also told him to buckle up. He said, " But you told me to keep my hand in my lap!" Oh right, I did, well buckle up first and then keep your hands in your lap. Seriously, Seven you pick the worse times to listen!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Real apple juice






Ben's family owns an apple press. We try to go to Yakima every year and squeeze some apples for awesome apple cider. And then take about 10 gallons home with us.

Yakima Fair










Yeah, we like to fair it up.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Healing


I guess everyone has stuff in their past that needs healing. Some things are harder to heal from than others. One thing God is teaching me is it takes time and effort to heal. It's not for the faint-of-heart. And I also don't know how people are healed without God to help with the process. I felt like God was telling me this past week that I need to take an additional step towards healing from my past. Counseling. As with painful things in the past the thing we want to do is just bury it and pretend everything is all better. It's hard to bring everything back up but I'm finding out that I probably need to do a more thorough job of this to heal more completely. I know it doesn't mean I won't ever deal with my past again, but I think its needed for more complete healing. I feel like God has healed a ton in me but I know he also wants me to use other people to help further this process. So I sent this email to a friend who I knew was a counselor so we'll see where it goes:

I don't really know how to go about this so here goes nothing. I was sharing some stuff with Ben about a hard day I had last week where some stuff from my past was revisiting me yet again. This is stuff that I feel very much healed from by God but at the same time I get this feeling that I need something more...like maybe counseling. I really hesitate to do this because I have dealt with this crap for so long that I don't want to have to more, but as I'm sure you know with these things you have to deal with everything before you can expect to start dealing with it less. I thought I dealt with all of it, but it seems I didn't. And maybe I need a professional to help me with the rest of it. That's where you come in. When I was sharing this with Ben both of us thought of you. We both trust you and feel like you would be able to help. Now, of course I understand if you have rules in this and can't know your client in other areas of life. I would probably prefer you, but I understand if you need to refer me to someone else. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Please let me know what you think my next step should be.


So, my past baggage? It was an inappropriate relationship with my Jr. High youthpastor that lasted from age 12-16. Nothing extreme, but enough to mess me up in ways I don't even know how to articulate. I think I'm more and more realizing that in order to be all God wants me to be I need to face this and take care of it. And part of that means coming to grips with how much this affected me.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Living in community and in a body

Our friends Rainbow and Jeff have been living with us since the end of June. It's been crazy but also fantastic. There is just something that living with another couple brings into your life than if you're living solo. It of course helps that Rainbow and I are such good friends. Apparently, according to Meyer's Briggs she is my pedagogue. I should've married her :) God sure does have a sense of humor. Ben and I are so completely opposite. In some ways I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm sure we challenge each other like no other. But sometimes the differences can be rather painful.

Living in a body rocks! I had no idea what I was missing these last 27 years. I see so clearly how God intended for us to live interdependently with one another. VERY contrary to what our American culture teaches us to be, which is VERY individualistic. I find it challenging to fight against what comes natural to me in growing up in our culture. God has taken us on a journey that we're still on. I see him directing us every step of the way. HE is placing the body parts together. It's so amazing to see this and be apart of it. It is crazy to actually be able to relate to these verses in the Bible that talk about living in a body: 1 Corinthians 12 and 14. Right now our body consists of 4 couples but I have faith that God will only add to that number whoever He wants and in His timing and in His way. These 4 couples came together completely from God. I don't see how it could've happened any other way.

Some pics of Dove and Memory, Rainbow and Jeff and their girls, Lavinia and Sunshine:






Thursday, September 4, 2008

Why I like sweeping my floor more than sex.



Alright folks here it is the long anticipated for post. This is kind of a complicated issue so I guess I need to preface this post with an explanation of my journey of my perception of sex. I don't think I had a very healthy perception of sex going into marriage. I saw it as a dirty deed that had to get done I guess. My parents barely talked to me about it so I guess I got this idea that it must not be a holy act cause we didn't talk about it. Plus, what I did see was Hollywood's version of sex which is messed up. But the last 8 years of marriage for me has taught me a lot about how to have the right or healthy perception of sex. Ben (go figure) has had a lot to do with this. He kept pursuing the issue with me so I was forced to either have an unhappy marriage or figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I knew in my head that sex was made by God and there should be nothing inherently wrong with it. But I couldn't quite believe this with my heart and it showed in our sex life big time. For the first 6 years of our marriage it was the main area of contention between us. We fought about it at least once a week but usually more. It sucked. I began to resent not only Ben but sex. Uh-oh. I had to go backwards before going forwards I guess. But once I let God shine light on this painful subject I began to start healing. I began to start actually believing in my heart that sex was a GOOD thing. Imagine that. I feel like it's such a deep seeded issue in me. It's actually hard to articulate but I'm trying hard and I hope you're following me. This has been a long journey for me to get where I'm at and I'm still on that journey. Things are definitely still not perfect. Ben and I still (but more on occasion) fight about sex. And this is where the sweeping floors comes in (I know you were wondering about that). So I feel like because of my natural (or maybe unnatural) view of sex I have to continually be working out in my mind and heart what I really believe about sex. Most days I just want to sweep my floor instead. There I said it. But I definitely wouldn't say I never want to have sex it's just less frequent than I want to sweep my floors. And Ben is vice-a-versa. But when it's all said and done I see sex as vital to our relationship. And without it we would be incredibly dysfunctional. I get that. But its frustrating because I have to continually be reminding myself of this. I'll be sweeping my floors (by the way 'sweeping the floors' is just an example but a good one because I'm a bit OCD about it so it comes up a lot) and Ben will say 'do you want to have sex?' And I'll say 'Yeah, maybe, but not right now.' There's this battle always going on in my head at this point. And I know that we should. So usually (these days but not in the past-and this is why it's been a journey) I will say yes because I know that it is so good for us. But my initial reaction is no. Does this even make any sense? I hope so cause if not I'm gonna feel stupid. I think I was peer pressured into posting but all in good will. I need a little kick in the pants once in awhile to just be real and not care what people might think of me. So hopefully this explains some of why I like sweeping my floors more than sex.

The End.
Or the beginning???

ps post your thoughts people cause I'm dying to know what you all are thinking :) You know who you are.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

4th of July parade

I know this is backtracking quite a bit but I'm mostly putting these up for my Mom and sister to see. Dove, Eden and Memory were apart of the parade in Kirkland this year. We normally do the Bothell parade but our neighbor owns a Bridal shop and asked if the girls would model her dresses in the parade. They had a good time, especially Dove. She really got into it as you will see. They were supposed to wave and hand out candy. Normally the candy is thrown, but some kid last year got hit in the eye so they banned the throwing part. Although I heard people still threw the candy. All and all it was a sacrifice for me because normally we come away with bags of candy and this year I had to give it out :)








Saturday, August 2, 2008

Eden on a date with her Dad



Drinking Bubble Tea with tapioca balls mmmmm...

Friday, August 1, 2008

Kicking and Screaming



Ben and I have created a schedule or rhythm for our day to day lives in an effort to live out our lives more purposefully. We have always had goals for our family but realized very little of these goals were actually being reached without making them apart of our daily schedule. So this is where the kicking and screaming comes in. I do not naturally swing with schedules. They make me feel claustrophobic. But I realized that I CAN adapt but there just will be kicking and screaming going on. And I WILL adapt because I know that big-picture wise this is better for our family as a whole. We've been doing this for the past six months and its been a process. I don't always even realize I haven't been following my schedule until Ben asks me how its going. Some days I forget that there was a schedule. Other days I just throw the schedule out because my house is messy and I want to clean it. Can you tell I don't naturally put a whole lot of worth in a schedule? But I put a lot of worth in a clean house:) However, if I keep forcing myself to see the bigger picture then there is a ton of worth in having a schedule. A few of the things that we have on our weekly schedule are:
walks/exercise with Dove & Eden,
library,
family swim,
homeschooling,
reading time,
date night (Ben and I),
kids date night w/ Dad,
Seven raquetball w/ Ben,
kids discipleship
Every so often we tweak our schedule but these things mostly stay the same.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Mere Christianity: Faith


I read Mere Christianity about 10 years ago and I just started reading it again. I feel like I'm reading it for the first time because I don't remember much from the first time I read it. I was only 18 and distracted, I guess. I've grown a lot since then. And I wanted to share as best as I can what that looks like now in regards to my faith. Since going through The Story Formed Life discipleship class several times over the last 9 months I feel like my faith was challenged a lot. I was forced to look at what I believe or don't believe and to what degree do I believe it. This caused a lot of doubts in my heart in regards to my faith in God and the Bible. But I feel like God took me through that and produced an even stronger faith than I ever had. Reading C.S. Lewis' chapter on Faith help put some of those experiences into words for me. It helped me understand what was really going on.

"It is not reason that is taking away my faith: on the contrary, my faith is based on reason. It is my imagination and emotions. The battle is between faith and reason on one side and emotion and imagination on the other."

"Now Faith, in the sense in which I am here using the word, is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted, in spite of your changing moods."

"That is why Faith is such a necessary virtue: unless you teach your moods 'where they get off,' you can never be either a sound Christian or even a sound atheist, but just a creature dithering to and fro, with its beliefs really dependent on the weather and the state of its digestion. Consequently one must train the habit of Faith."

Since starting to function as a body with other believers I've noticed that this also increases my faith. God knew what He was talking about I guess;)

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Hmmmmm...Fasting

I don't know why it's so hard for me to keep up a blog, but it is!

Part of it is I like to use pictures to tell stuff and all our pics are on Ben's computer and so it's harder to find time to transfer the pics to my computer.

I'd thought I'd just go for it anyways...

Ben and I started the Master Cleanse last Wednesday and only made it to Sunday night. We made buffalo chicken strips and ate them together at 11pm. Believe me, food NEVER tasted so good. It was almost worth it for just that moment. So the reason why we cut it short was that neither one of us was doing it for the cleanse part, well at least that wasn't our first reason for doing it. And if you don't know anything about the Master Cleanse your supposed to do it for 10 days to have the full effect. (I know there's a lot of controversy on whether or not the thing even works or is dangerous...etc.) We both realized that the reason we were doing it was more for fasting purposes. And after four days we both felt that it served its purpose. That was the first time that I ever did any type of hard-core fasting. (I guess it's not as hard-core as not eating anything) Well, I learned a ton! And Ben and I both agreed that we wanted to do something like this on a more regular basis. I learned all the ways I viewed food that were healthy and unhealthy. It made me realize that in a land of plenty (and our human nature) it is so easy to overdue things and use them for the wrong reasons. And I know for me that happens with more than just food. I hope that I can hold onto the things that I've learned. One way to make sure that happens is to keep fasting on a regular basis from things. It's only when you take things away that you realize what a hold it had on you to begin with.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

We are starting another discipleship course!






We are starting another discipleship course.
Called: The Story Formed Life. *This is God's story not ours. We are apart of His story.
Each week has a topic with applicable scriptures that we midrash (discussion with a leader) for about 2 hours. Then we break up into smaller training groups to apply what we learned to our lives in a personal way.

1st week: Creation
2nd week: The Fall
3rd week: The Gospel
4th week: Lordship
5th week: Sonship
6th week: The Holy Spirit
7th week: Disciplined Life
8th week: The Church
9th week: The Kingdom
10th week: Re-Creation

*If you are already a Christian and looking for a way to grow deeper in your faith and exploring what you do believe about these topics this is the place you want to be. And if you aren't a Christian this is a place to get answers and truth from God's Word. Also, this is a doorway if you are interested in a different way (then you may be used to) of living out being the body of Christ to one another (church) and living a common life with fellow followers of Christ (community). You'll hear more about this during week 8: The Church.

*Mini Testimony from Kami: "I've been a Christian for most of my life, but never have I grown in my beliefs and faith as a Christian as I have in the last 6 months. And the biggest reason is because of this class and how God has used it in my life. It's not a magical formula but it really dug into my false belief's about some things and my lack of belief about other things. So I would highly encourage people to come to this class if you don't already have something like this in your life."

It will be at My house in Kirkland.
First week is THIS SUNDAY 6-9pm.
Childcare is provided.
Come check it out. You don't have to commit to all 10 weeks to check it out.
If you are interested contact me on this blog
We would love to have you!

Monday, February 18, 2008

Discipleship Class: "The Story Formed Life"

So...I wanted to invite anyone who reads this blog and is interested in finding out what it means to be a radical disciple of Jesus Christ to come to my house on March 5 for an informational dinner about what this class is all about. If you are interested or have any other questions email me and I'll send you our address.

This is a class that both Ben and I went out to Kentucky to take with our family for 9 weeks about 5 months ago. Most of the content will probably not be new to you but we found that the methods were really quite effective in helping to transform people that are interested in becoming radical disciples of Christ. There is quite a bit of dialogue and discussion with the intention of digging into Scripture and our own beliefs as opposed to just lecturing or answering form questions. The class takes 9 weeks and will start off with an informational dinner. At the dinner we will explain everything about the class and answer any questions that may arise. There is no cost for the dinner or any course materials. Thanks for reading this. It's something that we're pretty excited about doing with anyone that can make it. If you have any other questions please feel free to contact me and we would love to see you there.

Kami

The Dinner - Come and check it out. We will go over the class and answer any questions...plus there there should be some good food

When - Wednesday March 5th, 7pm

Where - My house

Who - Everyone is invited, feel free to bring guests

RSVP - Email Ben or Kami with your RSVP so we don't run out of food and so we know how many children to provide childcare for.



The Story Formed Life

When - Wednesday Nights at 7pm. The Dinner will be on March 5th and the classes will start on March 12th and go to May 7th. You do not have to come to the dinner to be a part of the class and vice-versa.

Where - My House (Childcare will be provided at Colin & Grace's house 2 blocks away)

Who - Everyone