Alright folks here it is the long anticipated for post. This is kind of a complicated issue so I guess I need to preface this post with an explanation of my journey of my perception of sex. I don't think I had a very healthy perception of sex going into marriage. I saw it as a dirty deed that had to get done I guess. My parents barely talked to me about it so I guess I got this idea that it must not be a holy act cause we didn't talk about it. Plus, what I did see was Hollywood's version of sex which is messed up. But the last 8 years of marriage for me has taught me a lot about how to have the right or healthy perception of sex. Ben (go figure) has had a lot to do with this. He kept pursuing the issue with me so I was forced to either have an unhappy marriage or figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I knew in my head that sex was made by God and there should be nothing inherently wrong with it. But I couldn't quite believe this with my heart and it showed in our sex life big time. For the first 6 years of our marriage it was the main area of contention between us. We fought about it at least once a week but usually more. It sucked. I began to resent not only Ben but sex. Uh-oh. I had to go backwards before going forwards I guess. But once I let God shine light on this painful subject I began to start healing. I began to start actually believing in my heart that sex was a GOOD thing. Imagine that. I feel like it's such a deep seeded issue in me. It's actually hard to articulate but I'm trying hard and I hope you're following me. This has been a long journey for me to get where I'm at and I'm still on that journey. Things are definitely still not perfect. Ben and I still (but more on occasion) fight about sex. And this is where the sweeping floors comes in (I know you were wondering about that). So I feel like because of my natural (or maybe unnatural) view of sex I have to continually be working out in my mind and heart what I really believe about sex. Most days I just want to sweep my floor instead. There I said it. But I definitely wouldn't say I never want to have sex it's just less frequent than I want to sweep my floors. And Ben is vice-a-versa. But when it's all said and done I see sex as vital to our relationship. And without it we would be incredibly dysfunctional. I get that. But its frustrating because I have to continually be reminding myself of this. I'll be sweeping my floors (by the way 'sweeping the floors' is just an example but a good one because I'm a bit OCD about it so it comes up a lot) and Ben will say 'do you want to have sex?' And I'll say 'Yeah, maybe, but not right now.' There's this battle always going on in my head at this point. And I know that we should. So usually (these days but not in the past-and this is why it's been a journey) I will say yes because I know that it is so good for us. But my initial reaction is no. Does this even make any sense? I hope so cause if not I'm gonna feel stupid. I think I was peer pressured into posting but all in good will. I need a little kick in the pants once in awhile to just be real and not care what people might think of me. So hopefully this explains some of why I like sweeping my floors more than sex.
The End.
Or the beginning???
ps post your thoughts people cause I'm dying to know what you all are thinking :) You know who you are.
6 comments:
I'd just like to point out that there are 3 labels on this blog:
1) floors
2) sex
3) sweeping
even your tags are showing your priorities. :)
wanna borrow some labido? I've got extra.
Thanks for the comment on my blog!
This is a great post...I don't struggle with this, but SO many of those who grew up going to church do. My hubby and I have a heart for marriage (mainly because it is so aweful in todays churches and because one of our closest friends ended up getting divorced because of this problem...very, very sad.) We had a few Bible studies at our house on marriage and it was like PULLING TEETH to get people to come on the night that we covered sex!
It is great that you are growing in this area...God can use you to help other ladies and their relationship with their husbands! We need stronger marriages in the Body of Christ!!!
Thanks for being so open and honest Kami!
I hate sweeping the floor.
Another breath of fresh air Kami! Thanks for being so brave as to not only discuss this with friends, but to post it in writing! I have struggled with these issues myself - my mom had a healthy view of sex and would talk to me about it, but it was so conflicted from what I learned at church, in society, etc that I was pretty confused. I have always struggled with guilt (about pretty much everything) and so I could never quite get the guilt out of the bedroom. I am currently reading The Gift of Sex by Cliff & Joyce Penner. So far it seems pretty good and came recommended by an older Christian woman. So you may want to check it out. Looking forward to getting to know you better!
I know this is three full months after the original post, but I wanted to comment, so I'm going to . . . mind you, I haven't read any of your updated posts either so you may discuss this more in the future (which is actually the past . . .) Anyway, my initial reaction is, "Yeah, that makes sense." and "Hmm. I can't decide if Ben is the best person to be married to for someone like you or the absolute worst." Regardless, (maybe this comment is more for Ben and I should just call him and tell him . . . but that takes all the fun out of it) I've found that I have to get more creative in the way I approach sex to help with Ang's inner-workings. She doesn't struggle with believing sex is good, but simply with the desire to have sex. Many times she would rather being doing __________ (fill in the blank) than having sex. We've both had to sacrifice in this area to meet each others' needs. I try not to just ask her to have sex and instead trust that she will have sex with me if I "put the moves on" because of the value she knows it has. On her end, she wants to feel romanticized or something weird like that so that's why simply asking her about having sex isn't the best way of going about it. She knows it's value so she does it pretty much whenever necessary, and she's found that because I've changed my approach she actually enjoys it more now and has begun to initiate such activities more often.
I don't even know if you'll get this comment since it was so long ago, but regardless I wanted to give my input.
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