Fear comes from Lies

It's so easy for lies to seep in and steal peace and joy from me.

"When you hide your face, they are terrified; when you take away their breath, they die and return to the dust. When you send your Spirit, they are created, and you renew the face of the ground."
Psalms 104:29-30

I've realized over the last couple years that I have a fear of death. A lot of that has been taken away but there is still some there. But when I really sit down and meditate on God's goodness to me and how much He loves me and takes care of me. And then look at those verses and realize if He is the giver and the taker of our breath, then what in the world do I have to fear? But as I am not reminded of this truth day by day it is easy to forget and Satan is right there at the door of my mind and heart whispering lies to me. And because I'm not taking in this truth daily it is easy to begin to believe these lies: "You have to fend for yourself." "You're all alone." "God is too busy to care about you." "He's forgotten about you." "You're not good enough for Him...." etc. etc. etc. Now maybe I'm not actually hearing these things (although sometimes I am) but the fear I've taken in is making me believe and live these lies out in my actions. I need to be hearing truth every day to stop these lies in their tracks.

Ps Not to mention hasn't God overcome death? :)

My journey with homeschooling

I feel like I'm being freed more and more by God in a lot of areas. Most recently I felt it in the area of mothering and even more specific in the area of education. I realized I was trying to earn my salvation and my worth/value with making sure I was doing whatever our culture expected us to do with educating your kids. It's crazy what a hold this has had on me. So much un-rest and anxiety and fear. And for what?

I'm really beginning to question a lot (most) of how our kids are educated in our culture. What if the bulk of my kids education was gardening, farming, and learning the story of the Bible? Would that be the worse thing in the world? What if that's the best thing for them? It's just there's so many voices telling me that would be the worse thing for them: internal and external. One of the problems is you could fill up your kids brain and time crossing your T's and dotting your I's and making sure they're on track with where the culture says they need to be and miss so many opportunities to be experiencing and learning what God has for you kids.

I was gardening with my family yesterday in our backyard and I was thinking of how 50 years ago there were whole families and generations who were farmers. And that's all they did with their life. Maybe they learned how to read and write, but probably most didn't. And these people were looked down on as being "un-educated." What does that even mean? Maybe we're the un-educated ones. And 100 years ago or maybe 150 years ago farming was a respectable thing to do. And you didn't feel like you had to know math really well to feel like you were doing okay in life. Our culture has a code of what an educated person is but is it really better than what was around 150 years ago? What changed between then and now? And is this a good change and one we should adopt? It's crazy to think that our industralized education is only 100 years old if that. Is it really better or have we lost something?

How I got free from a cleaning addiction

About a month ago God began to free me from a cleaning addiction. I woke up one morning and saw things in the spiritual realm of what was happening to me. I was in slavery. And I had no idea. Someone was driving me and it wasn't God. Cleaning my house was an all-consuming thing for me. My house had to be a certain way or I couldn't rest. This addiction stole countless hours & limitless energy from me. I couldn't be present with my husband or my children. Or with people that came into our home. I was always thinking about the house and what I could/should be doing to clean it and bring it back to the state of cleanliness I thought it needed. Therefore cleanliness and orderliness became the highest priority and when a person got in the way of that things got ugly. The scariest thing about this was I was blinded to this. I knew something was off, but couldn't see it clearly. The thing about an addiction is it always wants all of you. I wasn't able to feed my addiction a little bit and then be able to fully be there with my family. That's not how addictions (idols) work. They want ALL of you. But they never tell you this upfront. That's why I'm so thankful that God in His great mercy gave me eyes to see what was really going on. The worst thing of all is my addiction separated me from God. I wasn't trusting God with my house and the state of it. I had to be in control. Once I gave control back to God in that area I felt like I was really trusting God. My addiction was blocking so many life-giving gifts God wanted to give me. Once I relinquished control in that area of my life I truly felt rest and peace and acceptance from my Father.

The other big thing that happened is once I gave this part of my life up to God it gave my husband, Ben, freedom to lead our family in this area. I realized I had made the cleaning department mine and only mine and didn't let Ben or the kids into this area. Once I gave it up Ben stepped up and took the lead in our family. This was great! And such a relief to me. Now I don't want to pretend that this all happened overnight, cause every day has been a struggle. Some days more than others. For example right now and for the last month we've had a very messy house! But God has given an abundant amount of grace. And I am changing more and more every day. And so is my family. So I decided for the time being that I'm not really cleaning right now. I want to give some space for the Lord to rewire my mind and heart in this area. So that someday I can clean and actually worship and honor the Lord in my cleaning. It can come from a pure heart and not one that is driven by the enemy and sin. I believe this is possible and am so excited for that to come to pass. What a joy it is to have a Father that cares to free us from the enemy and sin! This is His heart for us! I realize in describing that day/week that God set me free I didn't really give it justice. I've told many people that the best description I could give is that for years I was locked in a cellar and for the first time in a long time I was let out to enjoy the blue sky and the sunshine on my face. I could really live! I was no longer a prisoner! I could enjoy other people! And I could enjoy being in relationship with my Father!

The other crazy thing that came out of this was after I shared with the family about my revelation and God freeing me from this, Eden, my 10 year old daughter, came to me and shared that she was struggling with this same thing! I prayed with her and just had a sweet time with her sharing with her and told her we can get set free together. This is a letter I wrote to her not long after that conversation: "To my dear Eden, God, our Father has been so kind to us. He wants freedom for His children. He hates the slavery that He sees us in. He wants all of us. There isn't one part of us, however small that He is willing to give to the devil. You know what I heard Jesus speak over me recently? It was, 'You can't have her Satan, she's mine.' And I speak this over you, Eden, my daughter. God is a jealous God and He wants all of us. He's not satisfied with just a part of us. There was a big part of my heart that I wasn't giving to God until recently. I didn't even know I was withholding it! That's how deceitful our hearts can be! But that's okay because God is greater than our hearts! And He showed me what I couldn't see for myself. And He prepared my heart to get to the day when I said, 'enough is enough!' I am taking this territory of my heart back from Satan and giving it to my Father! It's rightfully His! But oh, how I wanted to give it to Him. Because our Father brings life whereas the devil will always bring death. Our slavery to the devil can take many forms, but mine was in cleaning my house. Isn't that funny? I think a lot of people would find that funny. But I don't, because it owned me. I know you get this because you shared with me that you have this to. I'm so sorry Eden that I passed this down to you. But you know what is so cool? We get to be freed from this together, as mother and daughter. And someday you may have a daughter and she will be born into freedom because of the work God did in her grandmother and mother's life. Now that's cool. And that is how our Father works."

If you're reading this and have questions or just want to talk about it I'm really free and open to talk. Addiction is something rarely talked about and talking about this kind of addiction is non-existent in my experience. Which is all the more reason I felt compelled to share my experience. Most people, myself included, thought cleaning is always a good thing. And it can be. But for me it was an addiction. An addiction can be anything we compulsively do that keeps us from freedom. Even good things. Now this can be scary for people to read because basically you can put anything in that category. Our hearts can take anything and make it an addiction. Recently, I told someone I don't see any difference between my cleaning addiction and someone who's addicted to alcohol on the spiritual level. Because the way God sees it an idol in our hearts is an idol in our hearts and he doesn't make distinctions if it's cleaning or alcohol or sex. It's keeping us from being in relationship with our Father and that's a problem. And that will destroy us. But I think this can be really confusing and it is probably why I didn't see this as an addiction for so long. But praise God He is greater than our hearts and can show us these things.

finding intimacy

When I was talking with the Lord this morning I realized a correlation between spending quality/intimate time with God and spending quality/intimate time with Ben (my husband). I avoid both. And I was asking the question: WHY? Simple answer: because it's hard. Too hard sometimes to be vulnerable with someone. Why do I make time for Yahoo news everyday, but fail to make time for God or my husband? Because Yahoo news doesn't demand my heart. It doesn't ask me to be completely vulnerable and honest with it. It's not a relationship. But I'm tired of running. I'm ready to engage. But my heart is not ready. Father, change and heal my heart so that I can fully engage with You and my husband. I'm tired of making more time for surfing the Web than for You. But I need You to change me from the inside out. I need You to make my heart more like Yours and less like Adam & Eve's when they decided not to trust you and became ashamed and hid from You. I'm tired of hiding. It's time to come out from behind the bushes and meet our Maker, our Lover, our Friend.

Expecting # 6 in August!

Yeah, we're pretty excited.

I'm astounded by You

I am in awe and astounded by God's love for us. I was reading to my kids today about how God came down to us. I can't believe He became a man, a baby just to reach us and to save us. He didn't have to do this. He could've just scratched us out, but you see this is not who God is. He is a God who saves, who woos, who rescues, who redeems, who loves relentlessly. This is who God is. God, words cannot describe how wonderful You are.

My Prayer

This was a prayer that I had when I was talking to God today:

Father I ask that You would become more important than:

*A clean house

*What people think of me

*Facebook

*Food & sweets

*Being a successful Mom, wife, friend, daughter, and sister

That one day You will be enough for me.

You see every lover has its price. Who is your lover and what price are they making you pay?

God's price is that He asks for my whole heart. I was made for this.

The really cool thing is that He is faithful. I already see this beginning.

Journey to Israel part 2

Alright, here is the second part you've all been waiting for.

I think I left off telling you about our first day, which our first few days feel like a blur with getting used to the time change and not to mention a bit of culture shock.

The place we're staying in is perfect for us. It's an apartment that looks pretty old. It has 2 bedrooms, a kitchen, and a dining/living room. This is just the space we need. It doesn't have a dishwasher, but does have a washing machine. I have to dry-hang the clothes. That's no big deal, but the funny thing is the dry lines are hanging suspended about 6 stories up. So if I drop one it's kind of a long way down. And it would become especially awkward if one of the clothes I dropped happen to catch on a neighbors line going down. But my first go at it proved to have no incidents. Our place is right on a main road where there's a lot of restaurants, a market (small grocery store), coffee shops and even a yogurt shop. So we've been exploring our options over the last few weeks. We've found some pretty tasty cuisine. I didn't think I was a fan of Mediterranean food but that's probably because I hadn't had it near the Mediterranean. The hummus is to die for. I've never had hummus that good. And the pita bread you dip it in is the best I've had too. Our place is a 5 min. walk to Jeremy & April's and a 10 min. walk to Stephen & Tiffany's. It's so nice to be able to walk to everything. You really can get places faster by walking then driving. It's how it was meant to be I think. So we go to the local market every few days to stock up and we'll probably end up going to the bigger/central market once a week (more on that later).

So the first few days were spent recooperating and the Mowry's were kind enough to have us over for dinner multiple nights while this was happening. We've done a lot of parks just to get the kids out and about. Thursday we took a bus and went to the central market. This was a happenin' place. Everyone was getting ready for Shabbat. Everything (and I mean everything) shuts down from 5pm Fri. till 5pm Sat. So you have to get all you need done before then. This market we did a little food shopping, but we mostly were trying to figure it all out. It was pretty chaotic, but neat to see more of the culture. Friday night we went to the Western Wall (Wailing Wall) because every Fri. night its the happening place. I guess its how the Jewish people get ready for Shabbat. There was a lot of dancing and a lot of crowds. It was definitely a sight to behold. It was really cool to see the unity in these people. Complete strangers yet bonded together by millenias of history. It was also a somber sight to see people coming to this wall that has so much history for them and then just beyond the wall is this huge, beautiful mosque. Just the day before this I was reading in Lamentations 5. And in there the author is talking about how their land is being taken over by foreigners. It's crazy to see that, that hasn't changed for these people. (Afterwards, we headed back to Jeremy & April's for a Shabbat meal and gathering/worship time. That was refreshing.)

But a lot is changing. I feel like God has us hear for a reason. And Ben and I are beginning to feel like there might be some longevity in this. We have no idea how or what or when. But we are planning on taking a crash course in Hebrew over the next several weeks. That should be interesting. Jeremy & April and Stephen & Tiffany have done this and we are ready to jump on board. We feel like taking this step is a good way to engage the culture here. We are actually starting tomorrow. Ben and I each will do 3 hours 5 days a week. One of us will do morning while the other will do afternoon. It is one on one, which is good. I know it will be challenging, but I'm excited to get some bearing on the language. I know it will make me feel less frustrated and isolated. Don't worry I know I'm not going to be able to speak it in the next few weeks, but at least we're on a trajectory.

One cool thing we did Sat. night was to attend a Messianic Jewish church. This was pretty neat to see and experience. The pastor and his wife there seemed really cool. He was from the States, but had been in Israel now for 19 years. I believe his wife is Israeli. I'm sure it would be cool to get connected with them more.

What we've been doing so far is getting enough food for breakfast and lunch for several days and then usually going out on the town for dinner. So far we have 2 places we really like to eat at that were recommended to us by Stephen. We need a few more so we don't burn out on these places. We might go exploring tonight to see if we can find another. The kitchen's have to be kosher so it's a bit difficult to cook in them how we would normally do it.

So this next week will look pretty different with the language studies, but it'll be nice to get in some kind of rhythm/routine. I'm still doing some school with the kids. We'll see how I can balance that with the language studies. Man, it's crazy to be doing these language studies. It will be like being back in school again. That's kind of a head trip, but I guess this whole experience is. Alright, well I'm sure I'll be writing a 3rd part to all of this. I'll probably have quite a bit to tell by the end of this week. Another side note: It does not feel like Christmas at all! I have to remind myself that it's just this weekend. Tiffany and I were just talking about this and she feels the same way. I miss some things back home especially because of this. So if you have any Christmas cheer to send my way, I'll gladly receive it. Thanks for reading and caring about us.

Our family's journey to Israel part 1

I thought I'd post this on here for my fellow blog readers. Our family decided to go to Israel for a month. We felt like God was leading us here. There are some fellow believers here that need some support. And there seems to be some doors that God is opening up for a ripe harvest here. We don't know yet exactly what we're doing, but we are following the Holy Spirit in all of this.

It was a loooong journey to get here that's for sure. We ended up taking 3 planes to get here. Our first stop was in Memphis. That was a 5 hour plane ride. But our longest plane ride was yet to come. We quickly boarded our plane heading to Amsterdam. This flight took about 10 hours I think. We watched a lot of movies :) That helped pass the time. Once we got into Amsterdam it was our night but Amsterdam's morning. So, needless to say we were a wee bit tired. And we planned a 9 hour lay-over there;) hmmmm still wondering if that was worth it. We found a Children's Museum that was neat for the kids. We probably spent a few hours here. Then we went to a coffee shop where we were to meet a couple of Ben's clients for Epipheo. I know funny. Well these nice people picked a candle lit atmospheric coffee shop where the youngest people there were probably in there 40's. We got there first waiting for them to arrive and within 10 min. all 4 of our kids were completely passed out. We were quite the scene. Ben's clients arrived and we had a nice chat with them over some dinner and coffee. We had to take the kids sandwiches to go. We woke (mostly) the biggest three up and dragged them to the taxi that was waiting to take us to the airport. We got to the airport and ended up carrying Memory all the way through customs. It was quite a task, but finally we all got there and got through that and bunked out in the waiting/holding area until our plane was ready to board. Most of us ended up taking a nap here as well. Memory woke up, though. Bright as a clam. Good timing. Within a half an hour a hundred Israeli people came around us and sat with us waiting to board the plane.

In this moment I all of a sudden had a swell of emotion thinking about these people-God's chosen people who were lost. I felt like in that moment I felt an inkling of what God felt for these people. It was an emotion of compassion, sorrow, loss, and mercy. It was very sudden and quick and gone in a blink of an eye, but very powerful for me to experience. I believe God was helping me connect with what I was about to experience in Israel.

Well, we boarded the plane and Eden had a total and complete emotional melt down. This was difficult for me. I believe it was really good for me. Because I am too worried about what other people think and in this moment I had to think of what my daughter needed and what us as a family needed not just saving face for a bunch of strangers. Of course Eden had to sit in back of the one lady on the plane that had a problem with her emotional melt-down. She called a flight attendant over and speaking in maybe Arabic I don't know, pointed to Eden and probably was asking if she can shut this kid up. Eden wasn't being incredibly loud but it was definitely noticeable that she was crying. The flight attendant came over and was looking for her parents. Ben told her we were right here behind her and the flight attendant told the lady "What do you want me to do. She is crying and the parents are right there. What's the problem?" It was kinda funny. So we definitely ruined this lady's first hour of flight and mine. But like I said this was a good thing for me. I had to keep telling myself that this was her (the lady's) problem and not mine. This flight was only 4 and a half hours, but once we got there we were like the night of the living dead. We got our bags and got some gelato. This was 4am Israel time. We boarded a van/taxi thing that every seat was filled. All six of us piled in the pack of the van. To put it short this 40 min ride to our house we were to stay in was a ride from hell compared to the last 30 hours of travel. And that's saying a lot! This guy drove like a maniac speeding around corners and stopping and going really fast over bumps. All of us were starting to feel nausious by the end. Mercifully, we were the third to get dropped off out of like eight. He dropped us off and we weren't even sure if this was the right place. Ben went to go find out and I was with the kids and the luggage. I then proceeded to drop on all fours and felt like I was going to throw up but was trying to keep it together. Dove asked if I was okay. "Yeah, I'm okay." In a few minutes I was feeling better and Ben came back and told us that this was it. Praise God!!! was all I could say.

We crashed for about 4 hours and woke up to Stephen and Tiffany knocking on our door. They were going to take us to the old city which is about a 15 min. walk from our house. This was good because we needed to stay up during the day to help get adjusted to the new time. They took us all over and it was really neat. We saw the Western Wall and went and ate in old town Jerusalem. By about 5pm I and the rest of us hit a wall. We managed to stay up until 9 and put the kids down around 8. That first night was a little difficult with all of us waking up around 4 wondering if it was time to wake up. It wasn't so we all forced ourselves back to sleep.

Anyways, this is getting really long so if you want more let me know and I'll email a part 2 of the last few days here in Jerusalem. But all in all it has been really neat to be here. And I'm excited about what God has in store for us to be apart of.

And then there were 5

That's right, I'm pregnant and soon to be the owner of 5 children! Ben and I feel so blessed! God's timing is perfect. I'm due sometime Feb. 2. I had horrible morning sickness with Memory and that hasn't started yet. I've just had pretty minor sickness. So here's hoping it stays that way.

This timing is kind of crazy because when we found out we were pregnant a few weeks ago, Ben said, "We were just getting this 4 kids thing down." So just when you get too comfortable God shakes things up a bit. I think both Ben and I had resigned and moved on from having another child at this point. So to be given this was quite a shock. A good shock, though.

My Prayer

I want to have this be my prayer every day. I got this from the Crazy Love book that I'm reading. Which is awesome and you should read it. It really puts life into perspective.

"O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied
me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious
of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of
desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long
to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still.
Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee
indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to
my soul, 'Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away.'
Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this
misty lowland where I have wandered so long."
A.W. Tozer The Pursuit of God

On Permanent Marker, Repentance, and Intimacy

This happened last night and I wanted to share the email that Ben wrote to a few family and friends. It's a pretty powerful and moving story of God's grace in our lives.


This week I have been lost in thinking about repentance and fostering an intimate lasting relationship with our kids.

Tonight was one of the craziest nights in our families history. We had already put the kids to bed and Dove came into the room crying to talk to Kami and I. She told us that she had drawn on the wall with a permanent marker and had blamed Seven so he had gotten in big trouble. She was referring to an incident that had happened about 4 years ago. More than half of her lifetime. She was crying and she said that, that was "before she knew how serious of a job it was for her to be a leader" in looking out for her younger brothers and sister. It was at this point, that I started to cry. She said that today God had told her that she needed to tell us about the truth "before she got any older." We got Seven out of bed and Dove had the chance to apologize to her brother. Together we prayed and thanked God for the grace he has given us. Seven does not remember getting spanked. But tonight Dove will sleep better in her repentance and acceptance of God's Grace.

******
Ben Crawford

Ps. You can see the marker in the pic that has long since been painted over.

IMG_4618.JPG 477K View Download

What God's been teaching/showing me

11/20/09 Taken from my journal:
I know now one of the reasons we have not been given a fifth child. My will needed to be broken. I wanted that child so much that I really didn't care what God wanted for me. God had to break my will and make my will His will. I needed to be shown this. I now want and desire what God wants. Whatever that may be. I was finding my identity in having children. And having them whenever I wanted to. Ben wondered if he was the one who needed to be broken. It has taken almost a year for me to get to the place where Your will is better than my will. But more that that, my will has become Your will. I was holding onto my will so tightly. Thank you for Your mercy in revealing this to me.

Super-Star Christians?

I was reading in Acts 14:1-7 today about a plot to beat up Paul & Barnabas. Paul and Barnabas? They were like super Christians and yet they were completely willing and even grateful to get physically beaten up for God. And then it dawned on me. Jesus did this. But He got it even worse. Hung on a tree for God.
I realized how I am so prideful. Ideally I could die for God, but do I actually welcome this? To become less so God can become greater? In my heart of hearts I want to become greater. I am a god to me. I am more important than God and His kingdom. Lets take this in lesser terms than getting beaten up and dying. How about ridiculed or seen as not so great. Not so popular. Not so smart. Not so talented. Not so pretty. These are the things that actually matter to me. I know Paul & Barnabas were just fallen humans like me and everyone else, but they were completely sold out! They didn't have things (idols) holding them back. Will I ever get there? And what exactly will sold out look like for me? Maybe not death, but maybe. Maybe uprooting my family and moving to Portland to help disciple another family for three months. I see growth in my life. I have a long way to go, but I do see growth. Where do you see growth in your life?

sisters

This is a conversation I overheard between Dove & Eden the other day in the car:

Eden: "When we grow up and if we live together..."
Dove: (cuts in abruptly) "Oh, we will definitely live together! But I don't want to be one of those girls who is alone all the time like Uncle Nate who lives in that big house all by himself. I want to have a big family."

This was one of my proudest moments as a mother.

Keep the dream alive girls.

The life of Seven

Today Seven asked me,"When I get older and become a girl then I can do school?"
I said, "Well when you get older and are still a boy you can do school."
He has said this with other things before. I think he thinks if only I can become a girl like my big sisters then the world will finally open wide for me. And all my dreams will come true. I will be able to do all the things they can do.
Sorry kid, not gonna happen. The girl part at least.

God's will is better than my will

The other day I had a revelation. I want my will to be in-tune with what God's will is. I found myself dissatisfied with some things in my life. And then I stopped to think: well if this is what God wants than why am I dissatisfied? First of all He loves me and wants the best for me. Second of all He is faithful to give me His best. So why am I not trusting Him?

We are trying to conceive a 5th child. For a long time now I've pictured our family with 5 kids. About a year ago I found out I was pregnant. And during that first week God spoke to me. He said "in My time." I knew He was talking about us having another child. This comforted me at the time. Whenever I hear God's voice I'm comforted. But I didn't think too much about it at the time. A couple days later I miscarried. We've been trying since December and it's been really hard each month that goes by and I'm not pregnant. And I knew that this was testing my faith. But the other day I realized that I need to stop having my own agenda on things. I realized I finally wanted what God wanted. And if that means another child then awesome. If it doesn't then awesome. Because He is good and He is trustworthy. He loves me and wants what's best for me. I am starting to believe this. I don't need to be depressed or dissatisfied any longer.

I am a daughter in His kingdom. I want to start acting like it. I want to desire what He desires for His kingdom.

"In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you." Matthew 5:48 The Message

"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are-no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought." Matthew 5:5 The Message

God is alive and active among us!

Do I really believe this? I think sometimes I don't. And my life sometimes reflects this. Often, in fact. What if I really believed that God is among us? Every second of every day, He is there. He is present. And He is powerful. He is using His power in my life. Do I believe this? Sort of. Not really, but I want to. My life would look different if I believed this strongly. I know that much. What if I believed He had so much power and care that He can heal and is healing today? What if I believed that not only can He heal my heart, He could heal my body. He can make a lame man walk. And He is doing these things today. What if I believed this? He can make my broken heart whole. What if I believed He is doing this right now? I can actually testify to this.

This passage of Scripture is what stirred this up in me:

"Peter went off on a mission to visit all the churches. In the course of his travels he arrived in Lydda and met with the believers there. He came across a man-his name was Aeneas-wh0 had been in bed eight years paralyzed. Peter said, 'Aeneas, Jesus Christ heals you. Get up and make your bed!' And he did it-jumped right out of bed. Everybody who lived in Lydda and Sharon saw him walking around and WOKE UP TO THE FACT THAT GOD WAS ALIVE AND ACTIVE AMONG THEM." Acts 9: 32-35

We need to wake up! You who are called sons and daughters of the King wake up and see what He is doing in and around us!

Holy Spirit

I am realizing that I don't believe the Holy Spirit can really help me. I think I can do a better job. That must be why I hardly ever call on the Spirit. That is why I have a hard time keeping in step with the Spirit. I think I can do a better job. This is my knee-jerk reaction. I usually don't even realize I am depending on myself. It comes so natural. I want depending on the Spirit to become natural to me. I want that to be my knee-jerk reaction. Only depending on the Spirit and not myself. I want to forget about myself and what I can do. How different my life would look then.

Help me, Father to start believing in the power of Your Spirit. And to stop believing that the power lies within me. That is a dead end street.

I wish this could change overnight, but I believe You are faithful to change me. You can change me. You are changing me.

Parenting

I can't believe my first born is 8 years old. Time is such a funny thing. I don't think we can ever get used to it. I can definitely tell we weren't made for it.

Since reading Jeremy's blog (you can click on it on the right of my blog) post I have realized how much I don't think about intentionally training my children. It is sobering to realize I am training them one way or another whether I'm intending to or not. It's time to get more intentional. In fact, it's long overdue. It seems I go in either two modes of extreme: passively not caring or worrying if I'm doing the right thing. I realize I need to depend on the Spirit in everything and parenting is no exception. To realize I could be a party in my child's destruction is enough for me to get the gravity of the situation. Sometimes I feel so ill-equipped to train, but this doesn't mean I give up. God's Spirit will help me. Also, Ben seems to have gifts where I do not, so we need to lean and support each other more in parenting our kids. In the past when he had an insight into one of the kids and would correct some of my parenting I would get defensive and prideful, but I'm realizing that I need to seize that opportunity to learn to be a better parent. I need to see Ben as trying to support me, not trying to attack me.

I've been reflecting on these verses and put them up on my wall: Prov. 19:18 and Eph. 6:1-4; along with: "Kami, train your children, don't just control chaos." I need to be empowered by the Holy Spirit. I have all the tools I need. I'm not going to believe the lies that I'm not good enough and I'm not going to be able to train my children. God has given me all I need.